Hallelujah.

Feeling.

The World according to the window of a backseat of a car.

Destination, a funeral.

This past week has been nothing but surprise after surprise. Mostly bad surprises. And I am angry. But I think I have the right to be in a way.  After hearing that my grandmother had passed away on Monday night, I proceeded to pull an all nighter for an exam that I failed the next morning. Within the span of two weeks, I had my jacket and car keys stolen (well taken by accident),  failed two exams, lost someone dear to my heart, had my credit card declined, and learned that financial aid has decided they don’t want to help me pay for school. Awesome.

Yet despite it all, I am somewhat at peace on this road trip. The passing car lights and the sounds of my music seem to drown out the anxious thoughts that are filling my head.

I want more than anything to be driving back to the beach right now, but instead we are headed in the opposite direction. Pittsburg, Pennsylvania. Where the air is thick with smog and the entire city seems to be covered in a gray haze. Not stoked.

With all that said, I feel like I learned a lot about myself through all the crap. Ive learned that I tend to shut off the world sometimes.  Ive learned that being alone and away from the world is the only way for me to stay sane sometimes. Sanity. What does that word even mean?

The same chaos that clouds our lives is what keeps us sane I think.  In check with reality. I tend to be oblivious to the reality of life sometimes, and God has definitely slapped me in the face this week.

For those of you who don’t really know me too well, I am usually a worrier. About everything. My future. My friends. My family. My grades. Life.

But this past semester something in me has changed a lot. Its almost as if I just stopped caring about a lot of things. I haven’t really decided if this is a horrible thing yet.  I mean I still care about stuff, just not in a way that I get super worked up over them.

Maybe I have just been too apathetic this semester. I don’t know. What I do know is that I have felt more feeling in the past two weeks than I have in forever.

So here I am. Sitting in the backseat of a rental car, staring blankly out at the world. Wondering where all the feelings go when they just aren’t there.

Pollution.

This world is filled with people looking for something to hold on to.

Anything.

People questioning life and their existence because the world has forced them to be skeptical.

I am so tired of hearing things about the world that just tear me apart. Talking to people who are willing to give their lives away in order to get the best job, or to find a husband, or to be apart of this world. But why? Why are their so many people who are content with changing for the world? I sat and talked with my friend Margot last night about what makes us the way we are. What things influence us the most. And it got me to really think about what I let influence me.

I made a list. And today, while i was driving to king george I thought about it. My life has become so complex. The number of things that I am influenced by scares me. I have changed so much in the past year and a half, and when I think about influences, i have to wonder how much of this change was really me. I am sure we are all guilty of it, but it makes me angry how often I change for people. or the world. or young life. or my friends.

I want to be real. I pride myself on being this down to earth person. but am i really who I say i am? Are any of us? I feel like im confident in the person that i have become, but i cant help but doubt myself when i look at all the things that impact my life. its convicting! So many things have the power to pollute my life, and i just let them. wheres the fight in that?

I want the things that influence me to be concrete. real. Something that I can hold on to.

"He then called the crowd together and said,"Listen, and take this to heart. It's not what you swallow that pollutes your life, but what comes out."

 

You Must Follow Your Heart.

Decisions. Where to go, what to do, how to live? At times, it feels like our lives are weighted so heavily on our decisions. And I guess they are. But sometimes I have a hard time accepting the fact that one little decision could change the rest of my life. One little decision.

I guess what I am getting at is that Im very indecisive. I never know what I want. But I think it has alot to do with the fact that I know the weight of my decisions. I admire people who know what they want for their lives and honesty go after it. Going after what they want in life, not knowing the outcome. Taking chances and following their hearts. 

There is something to be said for recklessly abandoning your fear and going after what you really want for your life.

You need not, to climb mountaintops
You need not, to cross the sea
You need not, to find a cure
for everything that makes you weak.

You need not to reach for the stars,
when life becomes so dark
and when the wind
does blow against the grain
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

when all your friends
have come and gone
the sun no longer shines
the happiness for which you long
is washed away, like an oceans tide
when all the hard times, outweigh the good
and all your words are misunderstood

when the day seems lost from the stars
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

If you feel, you paid the price
and your wounds should cease to heal
and everything you love in life,
spins like a winding wheel
if you should wake, to find you're abandoned.
and the road you travel, leads to a dead end

when death creeps in, to play it's part.
you must you follow your heart
you must follow your heart

20 Years Old, and Loved.

I am awake right now. Really awake. I haven't really felt like this in a while, and I wanna write down some thoughts. So, here they are. I cant carry them any longer.

The first is ceramics.  I have always known that I love art, but this class has seriously transformed my love. Is it okay to say that I am in love with clay? Because I am. There is something about throwing clay on the wheel that makes you just fall in love. If you dont know what I am talking about then you are missing out. Seriously. Take a ceramics class and it will change your life.  It makes you so aware of the patience and intricacy that art is. The small details that get lost when you look at a piece of pottery, but after making it, you just gain this appreciation for it. When you throw a pot you have to be so conscious  of what youre doing, one slip of the slightest touch and you can ruin it. I have learned to be so patient. I spent literally 3 weeks making a coil pot, glazing it, and perfecting it basically, only to find that I had put on a layer of slip too thick. During the firing process it was ruined. 3 weeks and I have an unfinished pot to show for it. A love of trial and error and patience.

My final project for my digital class is to create something about a theme. Basically, we can do whatever we want. I am choosing to make a "documentary" so to speak about nature. Nature and what it means to me. What it means to other people, and what it means to really notice nature. I am kind of a freak when I see something beautiful, instead of just passing by it and remarking about it like a normal person,  I get pretty excited. The sky for instance. Have you ever really looked at the sky? Not just gazed up at it and squinted for a minute at the dots slowing forming in your eyes, but really looked at it. If there is one thing I do love about Fredericksburg it is the sky. It never ceases to amaze me. And I mean that. There is so much depth to the sky that I am mesmerized by. The colors. The clouds. I get lost sometimes. Seriously? Look at this picture.

Another thing has been guitar. I sucked at it for a really long time. And I am in no means any good, but I have gotten better. I like just strumming it and making meaningless patterns. My friend Becca and I even wrote a song. Its actually really great. Look for it on youtube soon! ha. But seriously. Music is something that really speaks to the soul. Cheesy, but true. Its just so good. Certain songs have the power to make you cry, make you laugh, make you dance. It captures people. And it captures me. So much that I have started to actually sing in front of people/play what little of guitar skills I have.  If you know me, that is saying alot. Enjoy!

Lastly, is Love. I know I blog about it all the time. But I have just really felt loved lately. My friends are the greatest, and I just love love sometimes. Well, all the time. But especially now. In college, where I am finding the true love from friends, and the relationships that I want to give and receive. They are just so important. I am realizing just how quickly time flies by, and sitting in my dorm room, as a sophomore in college, no longer a teen ager, I cant help but think just how lucky I am to be experiencing this love at such a young age. 

20 Years old, and loved.

Real Love.

What does it mean to really love someone?

I am not talking about the romantic, let's go on a date kind of love, I am talking about the love that ties people together. The kind of love you give to strangers. The kind of love that you give to people who are hard to love. The kind of love you struggle with showing. Real Love.

I am a christian. I am friends with christians, and yet sometimes I feel like we dont love others this way. This real love that I am talking about. We are so content with loving each other that we forget that we are called to love not just our friends, but others who need real love. We talk so much talk about how great we are, and how much we love to reach out of our friendship group, but are we really doing it? As christians, we arent called to be content, we are asked to become fishers of men! God tells us to sit with the sinners and tax collectors, to hang out with lowest of lows.

So who are you hanging out with? Seriously think about it. In the span of a week, who do you have  lunch with? who are studying with? who do you talk to on a regular basis? My guess is your friends. Im not saying this is horrible, it is great to be with people who care about you and push you towards Christ, but how different would it look for us to love a different kind of people?

Matthew 5:44 But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
I am called to love people who dont love me back. God doesn't ask us to love our enemies, he tells us to. And not just our enemies, but people who are hard to love. Think about someone you have a hard time loving. What would it look like to love that person differently? To show them this real love that we are so enticed by. The love that we are shown through Christ.

I dont know about you, but the thought of not showing real love to people makes me feel so convicted.
So, who are you really loving?

Thoughts?

Sometimes before I can sketch any sort of drawing, I have to just think. So basically this is what is written in my sketch book for today. I started with a topic, and it turned into something else. I thought it'd be kinda cool for people to read it. Not that people read this blog really. ha.




Why the world sucks. Why America sucks. Money. education system. Politics. NO FEELING. Machines. technology. Telivision. Mindless Music. Spoken for. People who don't give a shit. Trash. Waste. Meaningless clutter. Racism. Conspiracies. Death. homeless population. Accounted for? Destruction. Oil. pollution. My ocean. The waves. Sanity. Life. Jesus Christ. Painted Skies. The Sky. God. Artist. RADICAL. Belief that makes things real. Truth. honest truth. Hard facts but honest truth. Give me truth. Song. Music. lyrics. Love. Why I love. The reason I Love. More to life than America. Than money and politics. WAR. The biggest battle ever won. gives me peace. Gives US peace. Calm. Calm and Peace in suffering. Rescue. Rescue me. Savior. Jesus Saves. Real life. Give me real life. REALITY. restless minds. give me rest. Grace. Grace gives us peace. Peace overcomes war. Open my eyes. Let me see [the sin of the world.] America. The world. The real world. purpose. A purpose for life. For hating the sin of America. For thinking America sucks. Because it does. Do something about it. Something. Live in the truth. Live. Live in destruction. In hurt. Oblivious. See it. Don't ignore it. But trust. Trust that there is more to this life. Trust in beauty. And hope.

Apologies in Advance.

Yesterday I drove home from Fredericksburg. More like, I left home to go to Virginia Beach. Because that is exactly how I feel. Home for me isn't virginia beach right now, and getting in my car was something i wasnt ready to do.

But I had to.

I got in the car, and I drove. Well first I dropped off ryan, but then it was just me and the car. My ipod died pretty quick and i dont get along with the radio so i just drove in silence for a while. I just thought about things. Basically I had a pity party, and im not proud to admit that i may have started crying at some point. but thats besides the point.

Whats the point of it all?

Life I mean. Whats the point of life if i am living it just to please people, or because its what im "supposed to do" ? I really am just tired of the world. Sorry if this blog post is me ranting, but seriously. the world kinda sucks. War is the dumbest invention ever. I dont understand politics, and never will. people are dying all over the world for reasons that should be easily solved by money. which dont even get me started on money. its paper. Anyways. Driving just made me think about what lifes all about today and it just made me sad and lonely and pissed off. I want to get out of this place so bad.

Next summer will be different. im not gonna sit at home or work my life away for minimum wage and a 40% discount. Im getting out and im gonna go do something.

Something, ANYTHING.

Anything but this. i feel like the more i sit at home in virginia beach, the more i am rotting away to a mindless nothing. i hate it. I just want to experience things, or help people, or wander around aimlessly without an agenda. anything but this.

I think too much, but my mind seems like the only sane place sometimes.

Ill be done ranting now.

"And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born

Then, it’s time to go"

Cause its a bittersweet symphony, this life.

Its a rainy Thursday. But to be honest, I love the rain. Especially when its warm outside. I have no exams left, nothing to really do but to just be. I love this. My best friend Kimmie and I are at a starbucks off campus, just sitting, and I can't think of a better way to spend my rainy Thursday.

About two weeks ago I was so ready to go home to Virginia beach. I had even started making a list of things that i missed about home. It was gonna be my next blog post, but since then i have realized that im gonna miss this place a lot more than i thought. So this blog is for Mary Washington and the friends i love here. I will miss you guys.

My best friend. i think that if someone had video taped every single conversation ive had with kimmie, the majority of it would be spent in laughter. Well, laughter or tears. Maybe a combo of the two. I love that we laugh more than talk sometimes. Im gonna miss that this summer. It is weird that I have spent literally everyday with her for the past few months, and it is even weirder that we aren't sick of each other yet. I think that that fact alone makes our friendship so strong. We get each other, and thats real. Half the time I dont think that people really understand us, ha and that makes me laugh. I love this girl.

I guess it is silly to classify kimmie as my only best friend here, cause to be honest, all the friends i have here are bests. I feel like a lot of people who come to college make best friends, but these people are so much more than that. They are my real friends. the most understanding group of people i will ever meet, and i am so sad to be without them for 4 months. I think that I always thought that I was being myself, but since I got to college, I realized i hadnt really become myself yet. That sounds like a bunch of word salad..(kimmie and dave understand this term). but seriously, i found myself here, and that is beautiful. These real friends have encouraged me to be my real self. I love each and everyone of them so much.

To all my friends,

Holy cow. when the world messes with my mind, i can always count on you guys to bring me back to reality. this happens to be an every day occurrence, and you guys are the best for always putting up with me. one of the only groups of people that i am not ashamed to cry in front of, and for that I love you. Thank you for teaching me about what its like to really live. For showing me that God is in everything, the trees, the rain, the river. My heart. Thank you for pouring into my heart when at times it seemed so empty. something so awesome about each of you is your hearts. everything you guys do means so much, and you have taught me how to really love. when i think about where i am today, sitting on a couch at a Starbucks listening to soft music and the distant sound of cars, i think about you guys. I think about all the crazy road trips weve been on, and the countless hours of sleep that we lost. I think about how many times i have sat and done nothing with you guys, and how much i loved the nothingness of those moments. The true test of friendship for me is when we can just sit in each others company and just be. Thanks for just being with me sometimes. Thanks for talking to me, and really meaning every word you say, and thanks for just listening. I was never much of a sharer, but you guys make me want to share things. my life my story my thoughts my heart. i love that. The world that i have carried within me for so long has finally become so much easier to share. I thank God for you guys every day, because i have no idea where id be without you. For the times when i am so stressed i cant think straight, and also for the times when my heart is so full of happiness, thanks for being there for me.When i drive home on tuesday i am gonna be sad to leave this place, but knowing that i have the rest of my life ahead to spend with you guys makes leaving a little easier. 4 months will be nothing compared to the years we will spend as friends together. You mean so much to me.

Love, Cat

I love this song. You guys have changed my perspective on life, and because of you I am different. I don't need proof that you will be there for me in the future, because i have something better than proof. I have faith and trust. I trust that i have friends for life, and i hope that you guys feel the same about me.

Life.

Is it possible to be thinking about nothing and then everything all in the same moment?

I have been doing a lot of thinking. Sometimes about nothing, other times about everything, but tonight, its different. It is like my mind is completely at ease with the world, and it is awesome. For the first time in a while, I am not thinking about anything. Because nothing is in my control. I have fully invested in this trust, this trust that God has promised me through love, and his love only.

Its a tuesday night, or actually a wednesday morning, 1 am. I am sitting on the lawn outside my dorm. Tim and Carl are doing homework, and I am just sitting, well now I am blogging. But it is crazy to me to think about my life thus far, and then to realize that tomorrow it starts fresh. I have my whole life ahead of me, and it starts right now, every second counts.

I was joking earlier when I asked myself, what am I doing with my life? But thats the beauty of it. I have no idea what i am doing with my life. I am just living. Carl put it perfectly when he said that we should stop thinking about the future and just live every day. We hear this all the time, live every day to the fullest, but seriously. When was the last time you really lived?

I like that Im a dreamer, it gets me excited for the future. I cant just be a dreamer though, because life is so much more than just dreaming.

Go outside, sit in chair and just think. Think about everything. Think about nothing. Dream dreams, but most importantly, live.

What are you so afraid of?

Think about a time when you really felt alive. Not just an every day, breathing moment, a real moment.

I find myself feeling this way a lot when I am in nature. On Tuesday I got the chance to really be in nature.  My friend Dave and I went long boarding together down a canal path near campus. It was a great day to be outside and enjoying the beauty that surrounds us on a normal basis. Why is it so hard for us to see this beauty every day? It is around us all the time, and yet we are distracted by things less than beautiful. If there's one thing I am gonna do this week, I am going to slow down and take the time to look around me.

But anyways. So we boarded down this path that lead to the Rappahannock River. We stood around and just took in the beauty of the place. So peaceful and calm. We skipped rocks for a while, well Dave did. I attempted to skip rocks, Dave had to move out of the way a few times. But it was genuinely just a fun time. We started talking about random stuff, like how awesome it would be to be a bird, or the fact that I have strange eating habits. But everything we talked about seemed to lead to a conversation about God. Dave said something that was really cool to me. He said that God must be an artist. And that is so true. How can you look at the moon, or a sunrise and think that its just there by chance? God made that moon, and he paints that sunrise every morning for our enjoyment. He loves us that much.

Besides talking about the beauty of nature, we got the chance to talk about how we were doing. Both Dave and I were recently placed as Young Life leaders, so it was awesome getting the chance to talk with someone who is going through the same thing. We talked about excitement, and how crazy the past week has been, but mostly we talked about fear. We talked about fear, and how unnecessary it is. Like really, think about it. What do we have to be afraid of? The answer is nothing. Our God is for us, and if he is for us then what could ever be against us? Again, nothing. Dave put it perfectly when he sent me this email, here's part of it..

"Well I was thinking, and maybe we shouldn't be trying to fit God in our hearts to fill our emptyness, I think we should completely allow him to BE the shape of our hearts. I dunno about you, but when I think of how great it would be if God was the only thing in my heart I smile a big cheeser :D"

Seriously, how much better off would we be if God was ALL we were ever concerned about? Well, it can be that way. On the ride back we saw a dad and his son biking on the trail. We talked about how much simpler life was when we were kids. I thought about it and said something along the lines of, Life doesn't have to be so complicated, we make it that way. I make my life so much more complicated than it needs to be, and for what? Nothing. There's no other way to put it, our lives are stressful and scary because we make them that way. If we could take the time to slow down and realize that God is with us in everything we do, we would be sooo much better off. I got discouraged the other day when I went into King George to meet girls for the first  time. I was discouraged because I got scared. My fear prevented me from talking to a lot of girls. But why was I so afraid? What is so scary that is is stopping me from sharing the best news there is? NOTHING. Jesus Christ is so amazing, how could I not share his love with girls who need to hear it? That's just it, yea I'm scared, and yea I'm bound to mess up, but getting the chance to step into a high school and share the love of Christ outweighs every ounce of fear. If we trust in God, nothing can stop us.

So, what are you so afraid of?

This one's for God.

Sometimes I just have to write out my prayers, and tonight is one of those nights. From time to time this is going to be a prayer blog, and tonight, I got a lot of praying to do.  So this is just a heads up, this one's for God.

God.

I am so overwhelmed with just excitement and love and at the same time I am scared out of my mind. My head is a complete mess of just thoughts and anxieties that I know that right now you are the only real foundation upon which i can pour my heart out to. Lord your plans for me right now are so huge. King George high school is about to change forever, I am about to change forever. You have instilled in me the greatest hope for such a strong future of leadership and growth, and I cannot be grateful enough for the teammate you have given me. God I just pray for Dan. He is such a faithful follower, and i pray that we can just grow together. that our strengths and weaknesses will just be met by each other. I pray that you give us the strength to be bold and courageous in times of hardship. starting this new school is going to be a battle God, but we are so ready. i have so much confidence that Dan will be an awesome leader. and i just pray that the boys at king george will see you through him. everytime we walk into the halls at king george i just pray that you will be with us, every step. i want so badly for younglife to just thrive in this high school God, and I want so badly for you to just move in each and every highschooler. God some of them know you, and others no nothing of you and i just cannot wait to see lives that will be touched by your holy spirit. God you are so present in my life right now, more than ever, and words cannot describe my emotions right now. This is really happening. I am really a younglife leader. it is so crazy, and i truely never knew what  this day would feel like. God you are so good. I pray that you will just search my heart, and know my anxious thoughts, and lead me Lord. because that is what I truely am, a follower. i may be a leader now, but i pray that i will never ever forget that i am always a follower. that's it God, I am following you. I trust you whole heartedly and i know that no matter what happens, i have you. thank you so much for just being there, and showing up in my life. you have my full attention, i cannot wait to see your plans unfold. i am so ready to do work for you. I love you.

amen.

Tryin to see the world beyond my front door.

Jesus spent 40 days in the desert. 40 days of sacrifice. 40 days of temptation.What will these 40 days mean for me?

Well, tomorrow I'm gonna start living differently.

It is the start of Lent, and yea I am gonna give up some things, but I have decided to take up a few things too. I want to start branching out of my world. This world that I carry within me has recently become a lot smaller in the grand scheme of things. The life outside of me is so much bigger than I can even comprehend, and I want to go there. It may seem little, but every day, for the next 40 days, I am going to step out of my comfort zone. Every day I am going to talk to someone I don't know. Whether it be a compliment, or a full on conversation about something random, I am going to make it happen. I figure that everything starts small, so it may not be a lot, but I am hoping that it leads to something bigger. At times I know I am going to look like a fool, but hey, I figure it's good practice.

Anyone who has ever made a difference in there world had to start somewhere. My somewhere will be here, in Fredericksburg.  I guess In a way, I am sacrificing my complacency, in hopes of maybe learning a little bit more about other people, who will in turn teach me things about myself.

Another thing I am going to do is listen to God more. I don't give him enough of my time, and tomorrow that stops. He will have my full attention during quiet times every day. He has sacrificed so much for me, how could I not start doing the same for him?

In the words of Bill Page, "It's time to go to work."

A song to remind you of the good old days :)

Take this music and use it.

Singing in the car, windows down, nothing but me and the drive.

My yesterday wasn't planned at all. In fact, to be truly honest I was pissed off at the beginning of it. I woke up with plans to go down to the ocean front and hang out with my old friend from high school. Well, to put it nicely, he SUCKS at keeping plans. I waited around for like 3 hours for him to text me back, he never did. But anyways, that is besides the point. I decided that I wasn't gonna wait around anymore so I got in my car and started driving. It was 65 degrees out and sunny so I wasn't about to waste a pretty day. I drove down to 78th street, grabbed my longboard out of my car, and rode down a few streets. After realizing how unpaved and bumpy most of the streets were I decided I was gonna give up on the board and I went to walk on the beach. Can I just mention how wonderful the beach is when it is deserted? Well, it is wonderful. The water was ice cold, but the walk was just what I needed. I love getting the chance to be completely independent and alone sometimes. It's the best.

I'm leaving you with this song. Haha for some reason it is the one song that stands out from my car ride, but hey, it's a good one. "Take this music and use it, let it take you away, and be hopeful cause he'll make a way."

Psalm 139.

This has become sort of a life verse for me. I have been reading it every night before I go to sleep and sometimes throughout the day if I feel stressed out. It's kind of beautiful.

O Lord you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You disern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tounge you know it completely, O Lord.

You hem me in- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.


If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful.
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts,
O God!
How vast is the sum of them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

There's a beautiful mess inside.

"Sometimes the things you need, you really don't realize you need them, until they're staring you right in the face. It is crazy, but I really can't define the way I am feeling right now. As I sit here, listening to the sounds of guitars and distant conversations, I am just so content. This is where I need to be. It isn't always where I want to be, and at times I wish I were somewhere else, but I can always count on it as the place I need to be."

-I wrote this on Sunday night with the intention of finishing it. Instead I got distracted.

I got distracted with the silly little details that always seem to bog me down on a day to day basis. Sunday night I was in a great mood, excited for the semester ahead, no doubt that it would be a good one. However, life likes to mess with me sometimes. I woke up on Monday morning feeling so alone. My head was a mess and I began to stress myself out over a thousand meaningless things.

Meaningless.

Why do we do this? Why do we fill our heads with worries that don't matter? I guess the truth is, we are only human. There is only so much we can do before we must let go, and let God. I have always known this, but somehow I find it hard to apply it to my own life sometimes. I want to have everything under control, and I hate surprise endings, but then, where is the fun in that? What is life without the mess?

Meaningless?

Coming back to school, I realized just how much I need this place. Sure, I need this place to get an education, to better my future, but what I have failed to recognize is just how much I need this place to better my relationship with God, to realize that the mess of my life is wonderful. Where is the meaning in life without a little mess to get us side tracked every now an then, to make us realize just how much we can't live this life on our own.

We need God and, like it or not, we need the mess.