Feeling.

The World according to the window of a backseat of a car.

Destination, a funeral.

This past week has been nothing but surprise after surprise. Mostly bad surprises. And I am angry. But I think I have the right to be in a way.  After hearing that my grandmother had passed away on Monday night, I proceeded to pull an all nighter for an exam that I failed the next morning. Within the span of two weeks, I had my jacket and car keys stolen (well taken by accident),  failed two exams, lost someone dear to my heart, had my credit card declined, and learned that financial aid has decided they don’t want to help me pay for school. Awesome.

Yet despite it all, I am somewhat at peace on this road trip. The passing car lights and the sounds of my music seem to drown out the anxious thoughts that are filling my head.

I want more than anything to be driving back to the beach right now, but instead we are headed in the opposite direction. Pittsburg, Pennsylvania. Where the air is thick with smog and the entire city seems to be covered in a gray haze. Not stoked.

With all that said, I feel like I learned a lot about myself through all the crap. Ive learned that I tend to shut off the world sometimes.  Ive learned that being alone and away from the world is the only way for me to stay sane sometimes. Sanity. What does that word even mean?

The same chaos that clouds our lives is what keeps us sane I think.  In check with reality. I tend to be oblivious to the reality of life sometimes, and God has definitely slapped me in the face this week.

For those of you who don’t really know me too well, I am usually a worrier. About everything. My future. My friends. My family. My grades. Life.

But this past semester something in me has changed a lot. Its almost as if I just stopped caring about a lot of things. I haven’t really decided if this is a horrible thing yet.  I mean I still care about stuff, just not in a way that I get super worked up over them.

Maybe I have just been too apathetic this semester. I don’t know. What I do know is that I have felt more feeling in the past two weeks than I have in forever.

So here I am. Sitting in the backseat of a rental car, staring blankly out at the world. Wondering where all the feelings go when they just aren’t there.