Hallelujah.

Feeling.

The World according to the window of a backseat of a car.

Destination, a funeral.

This past week has been nothing but surprise after surprise. Mostly bad surprises. And I am angry. But I think I have the right to be in a way.  After hearing that my grandmother had passed away on Monday night, I proceeded to pull an all nighter for an exam that I failed the next morning. Within the span of two weeks, I had my jacket and car keys stolen (well taken by accident),  failed two exams, lost someone dear to my heart, had my credit card declined, and learned that financial aid has decided they don’t want to help me pay for school. Awesome.

Yet despite it all, I am somewhat at peace on this road trip. The passing car lights and the sounds of my music seem to drown out the anxious thoughts that are filling my head.

I want more than anything to be driving back to the beach right now, but instead we are headed in the opposite direction. Pittsburg, Pennsylvania. Where the air is thick with smog and the entire city seems to be covered in a gray haze. Not stoked.

With all that said, I feel like I learned a lot about myself through all the crap. Ive learned that I tend to shut off the world sometimes.  Ive learned that being alone and away from the world is the only way for me to stay sane sometimes. Sanity. What does that word even mean?

The same chaos that clouds our lives is what keeps us sane I think.  In check with reality. I tend to be oblivious to the reality of life sometimes, and God has definitely slapped me in the face this week.

For those of you who don’t really know me too well, I am usually a worrier. About everything. My future. My friends. My family. My grades. Life.

But this past semester something in me has changed a lot. Its almost as if I just stopped caring about a lot of things. I haven’t really decided if this is a horrible thing yet.  I mean I still care about stuff, just not in a way that I get super worked up over them.

Maybe I have just been too apathetic this semester. I don’t know. What I do know is that I have felt more feeling in the past two weeks than I have in forever.

So here I am. Sitting in the backseat of a rental car, staring blankly out at the world. Wondering where all the feelings go when they just aren’t there.

Pollution.

This world is filled with people looking for something to hold on to.

Anything.

People questioning life and their existence because the world has forced them to be skeptical.

I am so tired of hearing things about the world that just tear me apart. Talking to people who are willing to give their lives away in order to get the best job, or to find a husband, or to be apart of this world. But why? Why are their so many people who are content with changing for the world? I sat and talked with my friend Margot last night about what makes us the way we are. What things influence us the most. And it got me to really think about what I let influence me.

I made a list. And today, while i was driving to king george I thought about it. My life has become so complex. The number of things that I am influenced by scares me. I have changed so much in the past year and a half, and when I think about influences, i have to wonder how much of this change was really me. I am sure we are all guilty of it, but it makes me angry how often I change for people. or the world. or young life. or my friends.

I want to be real. I pride myself on being this down to earth person. but am i really who I say i am? Are any of us? I feel like im confident in the person that i have become, but i cant help but doubt myself when i look at all the things that impact my life. its convicting! So many things have the power to pollute my life, and i just let them. wheres the fight in that?

I want the things that influence me to be concrete. real. Something that I can hold on to.

"He then called the crowd together and said,"Listen, and take this to heart. It's not what you swallow that pollutes your life, but what comes out."

 

You Must Follow Your Heart.

Decisions. Where to go, what to do, how to live? At times, it feels like our lives are weighted so heavily on our decisions. And I guess they are. But sometimes I have a hard time accepting the fact that one little decision could change the rest of my life. One little decision.

I guess what I am getting at is that Im very indecisive. I never know what I want. But I think it has alot to do with the fact that I know the weight of my decisions. I admire people who know what they want for their lives and honesty go after it. Going after what they want in life, not knowing the outcome. Taking chances and following their hearts. 

There is something to be said for recklessly abandoning your fear and going after what you really want for your life.

You need not, to climb mountaintops
You need not, to cross the sea
You need not, to find a cure
for everything that makes you weak.

You need not to reach for the stars,
when life becomes so dark
and when the wind
does blow against the grain
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

when all your friends
have come and gone
the sun no longer shines
the happiness for which you long
is washed away, like an oceans tide
when all the hard times, outweigh the good
and all your words are misunderstood

when the day seems lost from the stars
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

If you feel, you paid the price
and your wounds should cease to heal
and everything you love in life,
spins like a winding wheel
if you should wake, to find you're abandoned.
and the road you travel, leads to a dead end

when death creeps in, to play it's part.
you must you follow your heart
you must follow your heart

20 Years Old, and Loved.

I am awake right now. Really awake. I haven't really felt like this in a while, and I wanna write down some thoughts. So, here they are. I cant carry them any longer.

The first is ceramics.  I have always known that I love art, but this class has seriously transformed my love. Is it okay to say that I am in love with clay? Because I am. There is something about throwing clay on the wheel that makes you just fall in love. If you dont know what I am talking about then you are missing out. Seriously. Take a ceramics class and it will change your life.  It makes you so aware of the patience and intricacy that art is. The small details that get lost when you look at a piece of pottery, but after making it, you just gain this appreciation for it. When you throw a pot you have to be so conscious  of what youre doing, one slip of the slightest touch and you can ruin it. I have learned to be so patient. I spent literally 3 weeks making a coil pot, glazing it, and perfecting it basically, only to find that I had put on a layer of slip too thick. During the firing process it was ruined. 3 weeks and I have an unfinished pot to show for it. A love of trial and error and patience.

My final project for my digital class is to create something about a theme. Basically, we can do whatever we want. I am choosing to make a "documentary" so to speak about nature. Nature and what it means to me. What it means to other people, and what it means to really notice nature. I am kind of a freak when I see something beautiful, instead of just passing by it and remarking about it like a normal person,  I get pretty excited. The sky for instance. Have you ever really looked at the sky? Not just gazed up at it and squinted for a minute at the dots slowing forming in your eyes, but really looked at it. If there is one thing I do love about Fredericksburg it is the sky. It never ceases to amaze me. And I mean that. There is so much depth to the sky that I am mesmerized by. The colors. The clouds. I get lost sometimes. Seriously? Look at this picture.

Another thing has been guitar. I sucked at it for a really long time. And I am in no means any good, but I have gotten better. I like just strumming it and making meaningless patterns. My friend Becca and I even wrote a song. Its actually really great. Look for it on youtube soon! ha. But seriously. Music is something that really speaks to the soul. Cheesy, but true. Its just so good. Certain songs have the power to make you cry, make you laugh, make you dance. It captures people. And it captures me. So much that I have started to actually sing in front of people/play what little of guitar skills I have.  If you know me, that is saying alot. Enjoy!

Lastly, is Love. I know I blog about it all the time. But I have just really felt loved lately. My friends are the greatest, and I just love love sometimes. Well, all the time. But especially now. In college, where I am finding the true love from friends, and the relationships that I want to give and receive. They are just so important. I am realizing just how quickly time flies by, and sitting in my dorm room, as a sophomore in college, no longer a teen ager, I cant help but think just how lucky I am to be experiencing this love at such a young age. 

20 Years old, and loved.