Learning to Love

I think sometimes i am incapable of getting work done when i have anything remotely important on my mind. I have had 5 days of nothingness to process alot going on in my life, and yet i still feel like theres alot i havent been able to part with. so this blog post is something thats been on my heart for a while now. and i think its something alot of my friends can relate too. so i hope this finds you if you need it.

How do we move on from things in life? Vaguely speaking, I think moving on in general is hard. change is hard. and not only is it hard, but alot of times i think it is something i am honestly unwilling to do. mostly because im stubborn. and i hold onto alot of things that cause hurt in my heart. i harbor that hurt. i let others try to heal it, i let Jesus try to heal it, but ultimately i always end up thinking that i have to be the one to heal it. but that is crazy.

The idea of love in my mind is so skewed. i think its this way to alot of humanity. and today i thought alot about humanity. i thought alot about what we think we deserve in life. and how we let human love define us. mold us. change us. Hurt us. I thought about how people have treated me in the past in regaurds to love, or lack there of, and i realized how broken hearted i am. how i have just harbored the burden of cheap love on my shoulders for so long. and i have kept it there for so long because i felt like thats just the kind of love i deserve.

So today i thought about where my heart is at. and i dont think its fully where i want it to be. but its getting there. i think im starting to heal from alot of things. and that is beautiful. and i know that is the Lord. that is the Lord placing people in my life who love me. people who show me what love is really like. and that is real.

because its okay to feel wounded. i think recently i have felt selfish about sharing that with others. but when i write it down i realize that there are probably alot more people who feel the same way. And no matter how the heart is hurt, whether it be caused by another person, or the feelings of the world, or the casualties of battle, its still your heart. And whether or not others acknowledge the pain, its still there. and i think sometimes we need to realize that that pain is something. it isnt just an over reaction. its really there.

because im pretty sure the only way to heal from hurt is to know first that its real. and youre not crazy. and then to remember that even though hurt is real, so is love. and im convinced that love can heal anything.

If you havent heard of The Whiskey Gospel Runners, go listen. My soul is currently loving their music.
Read these lyrics. so good...

The Wound.

This world still smells like everything I hate
but im learning to love til thats just not the case
and all my friends they feel the same way too
we look inside the mirror
and all we see is you

oh the waters still rushing, and the blood is still gushing
from the wound you left inside.

disappointment begins when regret swiftly moves in
and your ghost it roams my halls
and i sing within these songs
the road is long and dusty and alone
ive got no place to rest
no place to call my home

but my eyes have seen the glory of your love
and i wont turn back this time
no i wont turn back this time

oh the waters rushing, and the blood is still gushing
from the wound you left inside