Learning to Love

I think sometimes i am incapable of getting work done when i have anything remotely important on my mind. I have had 5 days of nothingness to process alot going on in my life, and yet i still feel like theres alot i havent been able to part with. so this blog post is something thats been on my heart for a while now. and i think its something alot of my friends can relate too. so i hope this finds you if you need it.

How do we move on from things in life? Vaguely speaking, I think moving on in general is hard. change is hard. and not only is it hard, but alot of times i think it is something i am honestly unwilling to do. mostly because im stubborn. and i hold onto alot of things that cause hurt in my heart. i harbor that hurt. i let others try to heal it, i let Jesus try to heal it, but ultimately i always end up thinking that i have to be the one to heal it. but that is crazy.

The idea of love in my mind is so skewed. i think its this way to alot of humanity. and today i thought alot about humanity. i thought alot about what we think we deserve in life. and how we let human love define us. mold us. change us. Hurt us. I thought about how people have treated me in the past in regaurds to love, or lack there of, and i realized how broken hearted i am. how i have just harbored the burden of cheap love on my shoulders for so long. and i have kept it there for so long because i felt like thats just the kind of love i deserve.

So today i thought about where my heart is at. and i dont think its fully where i want it to be. but its getting there. i think im starting to heal from alot of things. and that is beautiful. and i know that is the Lord. that is the Lord placing people in my life who love me. people who show me what love is really like. and that is real.

because its okay to feel wounded. i think recently i have felt selfish about sharing that with others. but when i write it down i realize that there are probably alot more people who feel the same way. And no matter how the heart is hurt, whether it be caused by another person, or the feelings of the world, or the casualties of battle, its still your heart. And whether or not others acknowledge the pain, its still there. and i think sometimes we need to realize that that pain is something. it isnt just an over reaction. its really there.

because im pretty sure the only way to heal from hurt is to know first that its real. and youre not crazy. and then to remember that even though hurt is real, so is love. and im convinced that love can heal anything.

If you havent heard of The Whiskey Gospel Runners, go listen. My soul is currently loving their music.
Read these lyrics. so good...

The Wound.

This world still smells like everything I hate
but im learning to love til thats just not the case
and all my friends they feel the same way too
we look inside the mirror
and all we see is you

oh the waters still rushing, and the blood is still gushing
from the wound you left inside.

disappointment begins when regret swiftly moves in
and your ghost it roams my halls
and i sing within these songs
the road is long and dusty and alone
ive got no place to rest
no place to call my home

but my eyes have seen the glory of your love
and i wont turn back this time
no i wont turn back this time

oh the waters rushing, and the blood is still gushing
from the wound you left inside

Birds on a wire.

Its been a weird week. Full of life, but also full of lies.

After leaving King George this morning at 730 after our decipleship group, I realized just how easily I gave into lies this week. It scares me that I am only now realizing it. That I went an entire week being distracted by things less than true. Empty promises that build me up temporarily and then fade into nothing.

Empty.

I think being empty has the potential to be beautiful. Because being empty allows you to be full again. Being empty leaves room for something. So in a sense, I am glad to feel this emptiness. Because I know that sometimes being empty causes us to take notice to the things in life that are missing. To the love that we  could be experiencing but choose to forget. To the hope that is true. The hope that leads to faith. And the faith that leads to the grace we are promised.

Because its impossible to stay empty.

As I drove back to campus down king george highway I realized that it is impossible to be completely empty. Even though you may feel it at times, there is something in us that gives us life ALL the time. Jesus. Even when we dont believe, He is there. Fighting for our attention. when all we can see are lies, he is there. even when we have started driving in the opposite direction he is there.

Because he doesnt give us up. or hand us over.

Instead he loves.

Something about watching a ton of birds fly off a telephone wire this morning made me think about love. I think that his love is alot like that. Beautiful and graceful. And swift. Like the image of a flock of birds moving in sync together. Maybe Im crazy.

As promised, heres my song :) ps. i only mess up once. try to ignore it.

October

So I wrote a song the other day. I was in kind of a weird mood and so I was being a loner and just playing my guitar. And this happened. Stay tuned for me actually playing it. Cause that will happen too.

October

A change in the weather
calls us to realize

something here is different

as if this ship has capsized.

a list of lonely reasons

defeats that lead to your demise

as october steals today

so surely does the light fade from your eyes

But this battle that you fight for

that you cry for

that you lose.

is already a victory

a life that you will choose

Because its love that your after

and your heart may be at stake

but its worth it

to fight with a purpose

Our breath has gotten quicker

and our skin has lost its sun

but our legs do not grow weary

on this ground they still will run.

with a pace that treads faster now

and may fall short to every goal

defeat makes every step more fragile

and we cling to what we know

For this battle that we fight for

that we cry for

that we lose

is already a victory

a life that we will choose

because its love that were after

and our hearts may be at stake

but its worth it to fight with a purpose

Though the currents swirled about

and the waves crash over now

i cried out to my God and King

in my distress he answered me

and said

this battle that i fight for

that i cry for

that i lose

it was made a victory

a life that i will choose

because its love that He's after

and He said my heart will be safe

because its worth it

to fight with a purpose