Freedom and a song!

ive been thinking alot about freedom. I think its something that scares people. Because when we have it we abuse it. I dont think its hard to see the affects of it in a negative way. To watch humanity rip it to shreds. To turn on the news and immediately wonder how it is people take their freedom and essentially destroy it.

Abusing freedom.

We live in the land of the free. and yet i look around and see people who dont seem to have an ounce of freedom in them. i look at people who i love and i can tell that they have never felt free before. have you ever just looked at someone and thought that they were trapped? that everything they say has been filtered? that somewhere between their thoughts and their mouth theres disconnect. that they cant say what they really want to say. or feel what they want to feel? Witnessing this makes my heart hurt. Because freedom is the best thing that God gives us.

I think about all the times i feel free in this world. Sitting on the beach in the middle of december. Listening to the waves drown out the rest of the world. Driving through the mountains with great music that speaks to my soul. Crying because the love of Christ has the power to break down any wall ive ever put up. I think about these times of freedom. And i want so badly for the rest of the world to feel free. if i could just write something that would change their hearts. if i could just paint something that would open their eyes. If i could just sing something that means something. anything. But the thing about freedom is you have to experience it for yourself. because im pretty sure it means something different for everyone.

i think when i first thought about freedom, i thought about the worldly freedom. The stuff that the world grants us. the freedom to speak. to own guns. to buy whatever we want. to say things that we want. But that freedom has limits. and price tags. and consequences. and really when you think about, that freedom isnt freedom at all. That freedom is a lie. Because once you buy into it, it owns you. And it takes your thoughts and your words and your guns and your money. and your love and your actions. Until they arent yours anymore. And thats when freedom is abused. That freedom is what captures people. and keeps them trapped. and filters their words.

So really, i think the world knows alot about freedom. But i dont think they know real freedom. They think that they know what it is. But really they have no idea. They know a watered down version of it.

But real freedom. The one im talking about. the one that is felt in the soul. the one that fills up all the gaps. That freedom is limitless. That freedom is one worth experiencing. And there are only a few places in the world where ive been able to find that freedom. The ocean is one place. and maybe in the winding roads of the blue ridge mountains. and in the stars. but one place that freedom never leaves is my heart. i wish i could express that better. or just give it to someone.

sometimes i wish i could just take the world to the ocean for a minute. in the middle of winter. with the wind sending cold air through their skin. and the sound of the waves keeping pace with their hearts. the feeling of freedom. i wish for a moment they could just look to the horizon and see that limitless freedom that im writing about. and for them to know that it is theirs for the taking. that it wants nothing in return. That somewhere beyond the gun control and dollar bills and phony speeches there is truth. Beyond the blue ocean and millions of stars there is God.

And that we are free to love once and for all.

Its just how I feel.

Ive been trying to find the good in my week, and i have come up empty on all accounts. or atleast it seems that way. which could also be me trying to be dramatic about things. because this week i have really wanted to just be dramatic. but i really feel empty. and my heart has been in alot of pain. and im really sick of all my blog posts leaving this depressing tone in the air, so i promise this ones gonna be different. just bear with me for the first few thoughts.

i cried yesturday. not because of someone, or something that happened, but because of my heart. and i guess you could say that it had to do with an accumulation of things, but ultimately i think my heart just hurts. alot. and so as tears rolled off my face and onto my beloved futon i just felt so alone. alone, and unloved, and maybe even a little bit worthless.

but then this morning i woke up and rolled off of my futon and listened to someone speak truth into me.   and i forgot how important the truth is. I forgot about jesus.

I forgot about Jesus.

Really?

Sure. Ive talked alot about how great his love is. how its the only love that satisfies. the only love that truly fills emptiness. But if that is the case, then why dont i feel loved? why do i feel empty? why do i cry of a broken heart? why do i distance myself from people and sleep on my futon when my bed is 2 feet away and then wake up and eat vanilla wafers for breakfast? Its because I forgot!

I think ive convinced myself that i dont need to feel loved by people. but thats a bunch of bull. What i really think i need convincing of, is that i should long for love, but that i should remember first, His love.

"Love fell into the hands of men, and we killed it. We didnt know what to do with it, so we destroyed it."

But God doesnt let me fall into the hands of men. Instead, he sent Jesus to do that for me. So that I may fall into the mercy of his arms. As these next couple of weeks progress, thats the truth that i cling to. That is the truth that I will wake up and breathe. That is the truth I will run to.

So even in this state of emptiness and hurt, I am finally ready to give all i have left to my savior. So im glad im empty. because in that, i am ready to be full again.

You may have already watched this one. But its how i feel.

Learning to Love

I think sometimes i am incapable of getting work done when i have anything remotely important on my mind. I have had 5 days of nothingness to process alot going on in my life, and yet i still feel like theres alot i havent been able to part with. so this blog post is something thats been on my heart for a while now. and i think its something alot of my friends can relate too. so i hope this finds you if you need it.

How do we move on from things in life? Vaguely speaking, I think moving on in general is hard. change is hard. and not only is it hard, but alot of times i think it is something i am honestly unwilling to do. mostly because im stubborn. and i hold onto alot of things that cause hurt in my heart. i harbor that hurt. i let others try to heal it, i let Jesus try to heal it, but ultimately i always end up thinking that i have to be the one to heal it. but that is crazy.

The idea of love in my mind is so skewed. i think its this way to alot of humanity. and today i thought alot about humanity. i thought alot about what we think we deserve in life. and how we let human love define us. mold us. change us. Hurt us. I thought about how people have treated me in the past in regaurds to love, or lack there of, and i realized how broken hearted i am. how i have just harbored the burden of cheap love on my shoulders for so long. and i have kept it there for so long because i felt like thats just the kind of love i deserve.

So today i thought about where my heart is at. and i dont think its fully where i want it to be. but its getting there. i think im starting to heal from alot of things. and that is beautiful. and i know that is the Lord. that is the Lord placing people in my life who love me. people who show me what love is really like. and that is real.

because its okay to feel wounded. i think recently i have felt selfish about sharing that with others. but when i write it down i realize that there are probably alot more people who feel the same way. And no matter how the heart is hurt, whether it be caused by another person, or the feelings of the world, or the casualties of battle, its still your heart. And whether or not others acknowledge the pain, its still there. and i think sometimes we need to realize that that pain is something. it isnt just an over reaction. its really there.

because im pretty sure the only way to heal from hurt is to know first that its real. and youre not crazy. and then to remember that even though hurt is real, so is love. and im convinced that love can heal anything.

If you havent heard of The Whiskey Gospel Runners, go listen. My soul is currently loving their music.
Read these lyrics. so good...

The Wound.

This world still smells like everything I hate
but im learning to love til thats just not the case
and all my friends they feel the same way too
we look inside the mirror
and all we see is you

oh the waters still rushing, and the blood is still gushing
from the wound you left inside.

disappointment begins when regret swiftly moves in
and your ghost it roams my halls
and i sing within these songs
the road is long and dusty and alone
ive got no place to rest
no place to call my home

but my eyes have seen the glory of your love
and i wont turn back this time
no i wont turn back this time

oh the waters rushing, and the blood is still gushing
from the wound you left inside

Birds on a wire.

Its been a weird week. Full of life, but also full of lies.

After leaving King George this morning at 730 after our decipleship group, I realized just how easily I gave into lies this week. It scares me that I am only now realizing it. That I went an entire week being distracted by things less than true. Empty promises that build me up temporarily and then fade into nothing.

Empty.

I think being empty has the potential to be beautiful. Because being empty allows you to be full again. Being empty leaves room for something. So in a sense, I am glad to feel this emptiness. Because I know that sometimes being empty causes us to take notice to the things in life that are missing. To the love that we  could be experiencing but choose to forget. To the hope that is true. The hope that leads to faith. And the faith that leads to the grace we are promised.

Because its impossible to stay empty.

As I drove back to campus down king george highway I realized that it is impossible to be completely empty. Even though you may feel it at times, there is something in us that gives us life ALL the time. Jesus. Even when we dont believe, He is there. Fighting for our attention. when all we can see are lies, he is there. even when we have started driving in the opposite direction he is there.

Because he doesnt give us up. or hand us over.

Instead he loves.

Something about watching a ton of birds fly off a telephone wire this morning made me think about love. I think that his love is alot like that. Beautiful and graceful. And swift. Like the image of a flock of birds moving in sync together. Maybe Im crazy.

As promised, heres my song :) ps. i only mess up once. try to ignore it.

October

So I wrote a song the other day. I was in kind of a weird mood and so I was being a loner and just playing my guitar. And this happened. Stay tuned for me actually playing it. Cause that will happen too.

October

A change in the weather
calls us to realize

something here is different

as if this ship has capsized.

a list of lonely reasons

defeats that lead to your demise

as october steals today

so surely does the light fade from your eyes

But this battle that you fight for

that you cry for

that you lose.

is already a victory

a life that you will choose

Because its love that your after

and your heart may be at stake

but its worth it

to fight with a purpose

Our breath has gotten quicker

and our skin has lost its sun

but our legs do not grow weary

on this ground they still will run.

with a pace that treads faster now

and may fall short to every goal

defeat makes every step more fragile

and we cling to what we know

For this battle that we fight for

that we cry for

that we lose

is already a victory

a life that we will choose

because its love that were after

and our hearts may be at stake

but its worth it to fight with a purpose

Though the currents swirled about

and the waves crash over now

i cried out to my God and King

in my distress he answered me

and said

this battle that i fight for

that i cry for

that i lose

it was made a victory

a life that i will choose

because its love that He's after

and He said my heart will be safe

because its worth it

to fight with a purpose

Give it up.

So you talk about my lifestyle,
my choices, and and my passions
but not to me.
No, you think its rude, you think its mean
to ask me these questions.

But you wont return my calls
and when i ask, you tell me
"its nothing at all."
that my new life
is great
but that my way of living is strange?

well take it from me
I didnt think it would be easy
yea i actually knew it would be hard
Yet i chose this life anyways,
because what is life if Im not living at all?

Because thats what i see when i look into Your eyes.
i promise its not judgement,
because. That would be rude
but its this hopelessness you suffer from
its this death that looms.

so i get it.
you stop calling.
you stop inviting me.
you stop talking.
because you dont get me anymore.

Im not offended
and heres what you need to get.

This lifestyle, these choices, these passions.
they all stem from the best thing ever to have happened
The creator, God, the sustainer of life
The root to my salvation and the answer to real life.

We arent that different.
In fact, were pretty much the same.
Take a look at our history
Try to see past my name.
Because it is His that Im talking about
Yes God the father.
You claim He doesnt exist
You tell me, "Why bother?"

Well let me ask you this
Are you tired? are you exhausted?
because i know for me
theres only so much of this world i can take.
there are only so many people i can stand, and
only so many smiles i can fake.
before i crumble.
before i stumble.
before i fall.
before i admit that this world means nothing to me at all.

And so if this world means nothing.
Then what do you do?
To fill up your life, to make things seem right.
You turn to other meaningless things.
Tell me its how you deal
that getting high on the weekends is all about the thrill.

But i see past your lies.
and the emptiness in your eyes
because I know what its like
to think that theres nothing more to this life.

That getting drunk is just for fun.
and smoking weed will set you free
and that my worthless friends understand me
yea they get me. yea they know me.

But what if you dropped those things?
The forgetful nights
the "fun".

Sure your friends will miss you.
For a day. A week. A month.
But after that let me tell you.
Theyll stop calling, they wont care
and then youll be left with nothing
so where will you go from there?

So this is me telling you
that i didnt leave
yea im still around
but im living life for a different purpose
because i was lost
but now im found.

I gave up a lifestyle
The crap that i was dealt
and i gave it to my Father
yea He took it upon Himself

He didnt complain
or ask for anything in return.
It wasnt a deal.
it wasnt compromise.
No, it wasnt a trade.
it was a promise.
A promise to live life the way i was made.

And so now im really free.
Yes take it from me.
because ive seen death and ive seen life
And if you ask me which is better
i wouldnt have to think twice.

Im pretty sure youd say the same.
because its obvious. and its true.
and if your being honest with yourself
then theres really only one thing left for you to do.

Give it up.

Running.

What are you running for?

Recently I have gotten back into running. In high school I ran every day, sometimes twice a day, because I was on the team. I ran for my team. I ran for time. I ran for mileage. I ran for my flat stomach. Never once did I just run to run. It was always for a purpose. And so, for a long time (like 2 years practically) I have had a hard time running. Because my mindset is stuck in competition mode. Instead of going on a relaxing jog I would go out with the intention of running a certain amount of miles or for a certain amount of time. There isnt anything really wrong with that mindset, except for the fact that although my mind could run 8 miles like in high school, my legs werent exactly up to it. So I would fail. I would start running at a pace far too fast and I would fade out within a matter or minutes. So naturally, running sucked for a really long time and I gave up on it. Until now.

When I got home from college this summer I decided I was going to enjoy running again. I made an insanely great playlist on my ipod, got some new shoes, and I went running. I got through about a mile before I realized why I had stopped running in the first place. It was hard. I was out of breath and my shins felt like they were on fire. What the heck. This is exactly what had happened to me everytime before, but this time I decided things would be different. I accepted that it was just going to suck for a while. But that eventually it would get better.

1 month later and things have finally gotten better. But not because I am more in shape, I think it has a lot more to do with my mindset. Well, im sure its partly because I can breathe now, but i finally have accepeted that I am just not the runner i was in high school. Because Im not in high school anymore. And im running for a different purpose.

Running in high school taught me discipline and perseverance, but if were being honest, my motives for running were never where they should have been. I was always running hard to please people. My team, my coach, my parents. Or I was running because it kept me in shape. Because after running 9 miles you can eat practically anything you want and justify it. But I was running at a pace that was far too fast, and once I stopped running for a team i realized that no matter how good i was, or how toned my body had become, or how fast my times were, they were never going to measure up in the real world. In college, no one cares that I ran a sub 6 mile. Or that I used to be able to run 9 miles without stopping. Or that my team was the fastest in the district. Or that I practiced with seasoned marathon runners. NO one cares.

Thats just it. No one cares. Just like no one cares that I cant run that fast anymore. Or that I weigh more than I did in high school. Or that I dont run EVERY day. and that sometimes i walk on my runs. No one cares. Heck, no one even cares if I run at all.

I think I had to come to this realization before I could start running for me again. Before I could start caring. Before I could be motivated enough to go on runs without expecting anything out of them.
Last week I decided i was going to try running without my ipod, and without my watch. It was awesome. I didnt have any idea where I was running to, all i knew was that i was running. I ran further than i had in forever. 5 miles. And it wasnt painful at all, and i wasnt out of breath, finally i felt like running was something i could love again. Because instead of running for a time, or for a number, i was running for me.

Its about time I started caring for myself.
Because everyday we get torn apart by a world that doesnt really care about us. A world that isnt really looking out for our best interests. A world that is only interested in how fast we run, or how great we look, or how many points we contribute to the team. A world that could care less.

Im tired of running so fast, only to find that I fade out just as fast. Running a race I can never win.

In 270 days I will be running a half marathon.
5 miles down. 7 more to work for.
So here's to running for a new purpose :)

Does this count as studying?

Because this is what I do when I should studying for finals.

Slow It Down

 

Love.

What does everyone want most in this world?

Is it Love?
Im sure you could argue me on that answer, but I think its love. People want to feel loved.
People want to love and be loved. It seems so simple when put that way, but i think there is a lot more to it then that. Why is it that we can be oblivious to the fact that we are loved by so many people and only notice when we arent loved by one person? Why do we strive to find love in all the wrong places when real love is staring us in the face?

I want to be loved.
And it is driving me crazy. it consumes my thoughts more than id like to admit and i feel like i need to own up to it. So why is this idea of love holding my thoughts captive? why am i searching for it? What is so great about being loved by someone that i am willing to give up other things to get it. If this love that ive been searching for comes with a price, then why am i so willing to empty my pockets for it?

It makes me angry. Mostly because i hate the idea of being vulnerable, and i hate the idea of being a silly girl. But also because I know what real love is. And because i know i have it.

Over spring break when i was in florida with my friend kimmie we were killing time and driving around and pulled off on the side of a road next to some train tracks. we were taking pictures on the tracks when from out of no where a train appeared. well i mean i guess it wasnt from out of no where, but if were being honest i wasnt expecting a train at all. It was the coolest thing i have experienced in a really long time. Being so close to a train that is speeding by and kicking up wind and dust is unlike anything ive felt in a while. it made me feel alive. Things felt real in that moment.

I want a love that makes me feel alive, and that doesnt ask me to empty my pockets. A love that when I am least expecting it, reminds me that my life is real and that i should be living it. a love that comes from out of no where.

But above all, I want to not want to be loved.

Because I know that I am loved already. For who i am, and for what im not. For my flaws and for my empty pockets. For the person I will become, but most importantly for the person I am right now. Even when I am a mess. Even when i cry about silly things, or act way to much like a girl. For the times when I am selfish and unfair. and for the times when I am needy and want to feel loved.

I am Loved for me.

A song. And the rain.

I love the rain.

I know it isnt uncommon, but I just really love it. Even when its cold. Even when I don't have an umbrella. Even when it is totally unexpected. Because when you think about it, rain is really great. It washes away things, and it makes the asphalt smell good, and the air always seems alot cleaner to me after the rain.

So today it rained.

It was probably one of the best days to be outside. February and 70 degrees. I went to the ceramics studio not expecting rain at all, and at first when it started raining I was mad. I wasnt in a great mood to begin with, and rain wasnt what i wanted for the day. I wanted sunshine. but i got rain. As I was throwing on the wheel though I realized just how beautiful the rain is. As it began to pour, the sounds of the rain hitting the tin roof of the kiln shed made for the best noise. So i accepted the rain for what it was. Unexpected, but probably necessary.

My friend Martha and I decided to go for a run. It wasnt raining anymore. The air was cold though and probably one of the best days for a run. Even though the weather was awesome, the run was not. I think we were both tired, and by the 2nd mile we were starting to slow down. There is this part in our run where we have to hurdle over a barrier. And the whole time leading up to it i was telling myself I would probably not make it, but on the other side of this "hurdle" were two huge puddles. How could we not jump into them? So after hurdling over this barrier and landing in an ocean of a puddle, my energy was restored. The whole trail was covered in puddles, and so running through them made the run fun again. We got to the river (where we usually stop and stretch) and we ran into our friend Carol. Another great unexpected thing! Somehow, Martha and I got this dumb idea to jump in the river. We did. And it was freeeezing. The initial shock was probably one of the worst feelings in the world. We ran out super quickly and just layed on the sand in shock and laughter. So fun. But so dumb. Running back sucked and I felt 10 times heavier with soaking wet clothes.

Anyways. The point of this story is that i needed the rain. and i needed the run.

Ive been in a weird complacent place lately, and so having a wake up call from the rain. and from the freezing river was something that was so needed.

p.s. here's my new song..

A Poem.

From my heart.

How do I give my all?
to everything and everyone.
to art. and life. and love.
From feeling torn and seeking joy.
to finding peace and living free.

When the joy is lost in life
when the love starts to flee.
to Where does it run?
From your veins it flows
out from your heart it goes.

Read my mind.
talk for me. get me.
From here to there.
things become fuzzy.
broken thoughts are the only things clear.

So where does it leave me?
an abandoned joy. a lost love?
from my heart i confess.
that i may be torn. broken. bound.
But i was worth fighting for.
so in this love i will be found.

With little to offer i give.
what I have. whats left.
my art. my life. my love.
even when torn and seeking.
To gain joy. For a life thats free.

From my heart.

Relationships. And why I am the way I am?

I consider myself to be very independent. And lately I have felt like maybe I need to explain myself. To let people in on who I am, and why I am this way. 

Once my siblings all graduated and moved out of the house I found myself doing a lot of things on my own. Going to church, driving to school, making my own decisions for once. When I picked a college, I picked one where I would only know a total of 2 people. I distanced myself. I chose this independence. And to be completely honest, I am kind of proud of my decision to find myself somewhere else. Away from Virginia Beach, away from Kellam High School, and away from a lot of things that made me something I didnt want to be. 

I have always been pretty reserved, sharing things with very few people, including even my family sometimes. When I sing and play guitar, it rarely happens in front of people. When I paint or draw, I never really let people in on the process. I like my space. I like being alone. Ya know, not in a depressed way or anything, I just like it. I like staring out the windows of cars. In fact I can go an entire 8 hour car ride without talking to anyone.  And I don't really know why.

But is it really a bad thing? I mean sure, there are definitely times when I am outgoing and love being around friends, but is it horrible that sometimes I just really like being alone? I guess I have just been noticing it alot this semester. I tend to distance myself from friends, and its not out of hate or annoyance, its just who I am. In fact, looking back on who I was in high school, I guess I havent really changed much. I have my few friends, and thats really just how its always been. Even with boyfriends. I just get tired of having someone constantly wanting to be around me. (I am sorry if you ever dated me in high school.)

All this being said, I have to wonder if I will always be this way. I dont let people in very often. But its nice when you do find those certain people who just get you. People who dont have to ask you why you are the way you are. Friends who love me for my, at times, reserved self. Friends who have taken the time to get to know me without asking me hundreds of questions, but instead have let me talk. 

So I guess this is kind of a thank you. To the friends who have really understood me, cause whether I realize it or not. I need you. And to those who have had a hard time getting to know me, I guess this is sort of an apology. I have a tough time loving people sometimes, and putting effort into my relationships. But friendship, and love is something that is so important to me. I am still learning how to find patience with friends who don't understand me quite yet. But if this Love that we are all searching for is what it is, then we would understand that it is patient, and kind, and that it always perseveres. I am all about love. Because love is one thing we are given freely. So as it is given to me, I will freely give it too. 

Because in a world where everyone is looking out for themselves, and being independent in their ways, it is good to know that real love never fails. So thanks for being patient with me.

Joy.

These past 3 days have just been awesome. Well, really since coming back to school. I don't think I have felt this refreshed in a very long time.

First off, my classes. They. Are. Awesome. If you aren't majoring in something that you love, then you are missing out. I love being an art major. I love making art, I love learning from wizards about art, and I love my friends who share the same passion about art. The combination makes for a pretty great education I would say. Yes I am paying a ridiculously over priced amount of money to get a degree, but Im positive that its worth it. Because waking up in the morning and actually wanting to go to class is something that rarely happens for me. So when I say i hate school, that is excluding art classes. Because art is my exception.

New friends. Or rather, old acquaintances who have become so much more. It is amazing how friendships grow over time, and i am really starting to understand that. My college friends have become my best friends, and I love them. I love that I can spend countless hours with them and not get annoyed, I love that I can be weary around them and know that they are there to lift me up, and I love that i can count on them to bring me back to reality when i feel lost. which happens more than i like to admit.

Love. And finding joy in little things.

I have fallen in love with Jesus Christ all over again. I have been stuck in a place where I thought I could do things on my own, but i have been broken of that, and it is so evident this week. My young life girls at King George have shown me true beauty in the Lord this week. Beauty in the fact that they are so willing to recklessly talk about life with me. To share things with me that I dont deserve to hear. I love them. i love them because they are beautiful. and because they dont even recognize their beauty at times, because being beautiful in the Lord is something that we dont always see in ourselves. But this week I have seen it.

Because being broken is beautiful.

Feeling like you have been abandoned and lost, and then realizing that there is someone who cares for you. Someone who is willing to lift you out of your brokenness, out of your rut and contentment, out of your loneliness. And into the beauty of life. Out of the chaos and into something real. Into a life that brings you passion. and love and. Joy.

“In my distress I called to the LORD,

and he answered me.

From the depths of the grave I called for help,

and you listened to my cry.

You hurled me into the deep,

into the very heart of the seas,

and the currents swirled about me;

all your waves and breakers

swept over me.

I said, ‘I have been banished

from your sight;

yet I will look again

toward your holy temple.’

The engulfing waters threatened me,

the deep surrounded me;

seaweed was wrapped around my head.

To the roots of the mountains I sank down;

the earth beneath barred me in forever.

But you brought my life up from the pit,

O LORD my God.

“When my life was ebbing away,

I remembered you, LORD,

and my prayer rose to you,

to your holy temple.

“Those who cling to worthless idols

forfeit the grace that could be theirs.

But I, with a song of thanksgiving,

will sacrifice to you.

What I have vowed I will make good.

Salvation comes from the LORD.”