What are you running for?
Recently I have gotten back into running. In high school I ran every day, sometimes twice a day, because I was on the team. I ran for my team. I ran for time. I ran for mileage. I ran for my flat stomach. Never once did I just run to run. It was always for a purpose. And so, for a long time (like 2 years practically) I have had a hard time running. Because my mindset is stuck in competition mode. Instead of going on a relaxing jog I would go out with the intention of running a certain amount of miles or for a certain amount of time. There isnt anything really wrong with that mindset, except for the fact that although my mind could run 8 miles like in high school, my legs werent exactly up to it. So I would fail. I would start running at a pace far too fast and I would fade out within a matter or minutes. So naturally, running sucked for a really long time and I gave up on it. Until now.
When I got home from college this summer I decided I was going to enjoy running again. I made an insanely great playlist on my ipod, got some new shoes, and I went running. I got through about a mile before I realized why I had stopped running in the first place. It was hard. I was out of breath and my shins felt like they were on fire. What the heck. This is exactly what had happened to me everytime before, but this time I decided things would be different. I accepted that it was just going to suck for a while. But that eventually it would get better.
1 month later and things have finally gotten better. But not because I am more in shape, I think it has a lot more to do with my mindset. Well, im sure its partly because I can breathe now, but i finally have accepeted that I am just not the runner i was in high school. Because Im not in high school anymore. And im running for a different purpose.
Running in high school taught me discipline and perseverance, but if were being honest, my motives for running were never where they should have been. I was always running hard to please people. My team, my coach, my parents. Or I was running because it kept me in shape. Because after running 9 miles you can eat practically anything you want and justify it. But I was running at a pace that was far too fast, and once I stopped running for a team i realized that no matter how good i was, or how toned my body had become, or how fast my times were, they were never going to measure up in the real world. In college, no one cares that I ran a sub 6 mile. Or that I used to be able to run 9 miles without stopping. Or that my team was the fastest in the district. Or that I practiced with seasoned marathon runners. NO one cares.
Thats just it. No one cares. Just like no one cares that I cant run that fast anymore. Or that I weigh more than I did in high school. Or that I dont run EVERY day. and that sometimes i walk on my runs. No one cares. Heck, no one even cares if I run at all.
I think I had to come to this realization before I could start running for me again. Before I could start caring. Before I could be motivated enough to go on runs without expecting anything out of them.
Last week I decided i was going to try running without my ipod, and without my watch. It was awesome. I didnt have any idea where I was running to, all i knew was that i was running. I ran further than i had in forever. 5 miles. And it wasnt painful at all, and i wasnt out of breath, finally i felt like running was something i could love again. Because instead of running for a time, or for a number, i was running for me.
Its about time I started caring for myself.
Because everyday we get torn apart by a world that doesnt really care about us. A world that isnt really looking out for our best interests. A world that is only interested in how fast we run, or how great we look, or how many points we contribute to the team. A world that could care less.
Im tired of running so fast, only to find that I fade out just as fast. Running a race I can never win.
In 270 days I will be running a half marathon.
5 miles down. 7 more to work for.
So here's to running for a new purpose :)
